My mom told me the other day (a very wise woman) that somewhere and somehow in my life I have clung to the belief that if I do not do things PERFECTLY, I am not lovable. When you type it in and read it, this sounds ridiculous...but I have clung to, believed, and have based who I am on this myth....this falsehood.
When I was in young womens, my leader would be giving a lesson and she would say something to the affect of...."now you girls should really work on having more faith...except for Chersten because she is perfect". At that time, I really believed that I was pretty close. I did things right, I was an example, I had integrity and faith and all the rest. I felt that I had been lifted to another standard...a higher one than everyone else. We all like to feel like there is something special about us right...something that makes us different and stand out? This was mine. It was fine for a while...I had defining things throughout my school years that helped me to feed this myth. I had very outward talents, I was involved in school and church, and generally people liked me. I graduated...fell in love...and had a baby. Perfect right?
Marriage wasn't easy...we really struggled. This definitely didn't fit my perfectly mapped out life. I had a baby. It was not love at first sight. I actually didn't like him much. That little thing had caused me a lot of pain, tears and a broken tailbone. Nursing was horrible, I did not lose the weight that I planned, and I was depressed all of the time....enough to be medicated. I felt horrible guilt...like I had failed. I was a shame to all of those who once believed in me.
The years went by...now I couldn't have kids...(probably because I hadn't fallen in love with my son at first sight)...I gained weight, was still medicated, struggled with "loving to be a homemaker", and so on and on and on.
I wish now that I could say that I found the key. The key to destroying this myth. But the truth is that I fight a daily battle. I struggle each day to not let what is around me DEFINE who I am. I like to be clean and organized and crafty...but when I am not perfect in these areas I feel like I am not showing who I really am. If my house isn't perfectly clean (which it NEVER is or has been)...I struggle because I am not showing who I really am. If my children make mistakes...it is a reflection on me right? Maybe that is who I really am. I feel tired just writing this all down.
What a sad myth to have clung to for so long. If I am not the perfect mom, the perfect daughter, the perfect wife, housewife, friend, and counselor...I am not lovable. I have been demoted from that lovely stand my leader set me on.
When we believe in myths and what the world teaches us...we will fail. It is just like the scripture says about building on a firm foundation. If your foundation is built on myth...and not gospel truth...you will be washed away. So I guess right now I am trying to get back to the bare essentials that make up ME. Not the fluff that I feel defines me...but who I really am.
The core of my being.
This is where I will begin to build a new me.
I will learn about who I am based on truth...not myth.
and I will love who I am based on truth not myth.
