My mom told me the other day (a very wise woman) that somewhere and somehow in my life I have clung to the belief that if I do not do things PERFECTLY, I am not lovable. When you type it in and read it, this sounds ridiculous...but I have clung to, believed, and have based who I am on this myth....this falsehood.
When I was in young womens, my leader would be giving a lesson and she would say something to the affect of...."now you girls should really work on having more faith...except for Chersten because she is perfect". At that time, I really believed that I was pretty close. I did things right, I was an example, I had integrity and faith and all the rest. I felt that I had been lifted to another standard...a higher one than everyone else. We all like to feel like there is something special about us right...something that makes us different and stand out? This was mine. It was fine for a while...I had defining things throughout my school years that helped me to feed this myth. I had very outward talents, I was involved in school and church, and generally people liked me. I graduated...fell in love...and had a baby. Perfect right?
Marriage wasn't easy...we really struggled. This definitely didn't fit my perfectly mapped out life. I had a baby. It was not love at first sight. I actually didn't like him much. That little thing had caused me a lot of pain, tears and a broken tailbone. Nursing was horrible, I did not lose the weight that I planned, and I was depressed all of the time....enough to be medicated. I felt horrible guilt...like I had failed. I was a shame to all of those who once believed in me.
The years went by...now I couldn't have kids...(probably because I hadn't fallen in love with my son at first sight)...I gained weight, was still medicated, struggled with "loving to be a homemaker", and so on and on and on.
I wish now that I could say that I found the key. The key to destroying this myth. But the truth is that I fight a daily battle. I struggle each day to not let what is around me DEFINE who I am. I like to be clean and organized and crafty...but when I am not perfect in these areas I feel like I am not showing who I really am. If my house isn't perfectly clean (which it NEVER is or has been)...I struggle because I am not showing who I really am. If my children make mistakes...it is a reflection on me right? Maybe that is who I really am. I feel tired just writing this all down.
What a sad myth to have clung to for so long. If I am not the perfect mom, the perfect daughter, the perfect wife, housewife, friend, and counselor...I am not lovable. I have been demoted from that lovely stand my leader set me on.
When we believe in myths and what the world teaches us...we will fail. It is just like the scripture says about building on a firm foundation. If your foundation is built on myth...and not gospel truth...you will be washed away. So I guess right now I am trying to get back to the bare essentials that make up ME. Not the fluff that I feel defines me...but who I really am.
The core of my being.
This is where I will begin to build a new me.
I will learn about who I am based on truth...not myth.
and I will love who I am based on truth not myth.
Thanks so much for this post! I was in the middle of a gloomy evening, feeling very less-than-perfect as a mother, wife, etc. This was a timely reminder for me...
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how to say what I want to. I understand, I guess. Not only have I never been as perfect as I've wanted to be, but I even had a husband leave me--leaving me with the message that I really wasn't worth loving anymore. It's hard to combat that message from Satan. In reality, there's the truth I have to face: I wasn't a perfect wife (am still not to my beloved, now) nor a perfect mother, but I am trying every day to be better. I am human, with bad qualities and good qualities, and because someone decided I wasn't worth loving anymore because he'd rather be loving someone else? That says more about his devotion to his commitments than my lovability. For some reason I can hardly fathom, my current husband finds me--the same person I was back then--so lovable. It is the greatest joy--next to feeling the effects of the Atonement in my life--that I've ever experienced: to be truly loved by my companion, despite all my faults.
ReplyDeleteThere are myths that each of us fight every day. That crafty devil is good. He knows that women are naturally tender and self-examining and he uses that to his advantage making us take it too far. This is a great and HONEST post!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your post...it's interesting that even pointing out the best stuff can sometimes be hard on a person. Thanks for putting yourself out there :)
ReplyDeleteI didn't fall in love with my babies either. It usually takes me about 6 weeks. I think you are right... the hardest myths are the ones we create ourselves.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your post, and your honesty. I'm sure you are working hard daily to over come those myths. :)
Thank you for this post. I found you through ... shoot! I'm not really even sure now :)
ReplyDeleteBut this is actually something I'm working on right now - I have such fear to try something new/different if I'm not sure if I can be successful at it.
When my mom died a few months ago, I realized I was waiting too much time not trying for things. So I decided I wanted to start "Living a Big Story". I created a 40 by 40 list -- 40 hard (for me) things I want to accomplish before I turn 40 next year. EEK!
Thank you so much for this post. I'm glad I found you!
p.s. When my babies were first born, I thought they were ugly. I cried like crazy about that w/my first thinking I was going to win the worst mommy award. Until he was about 6 weeks old and suddenly he was cute. When my other kiddies were born, I just knew I had to wait out the alien stage ;)
I wish I would have known you in highschool...we are so much a like.
ReplyDeleteIn the past year, I have finally realized who I am not based on that same myth you mentioned.
Actually, our stories are quite similar. Only, I could get pregnant. Which I'm not sure made things better. I've been suicidal many times because of sleepless nights, post-partum depression, physical depletion, a husband who has not really been there for me (his way of handling my craziness), and the list goes on.
I've been medicated for a year now, and go to counseling weekly. I've worked through a whole lot of things, and because of this, I have been able to in the past year, fall in love, madly in love with my husband, and all of my passion for hobbies that I used to have in high school have returned!
I know that Jesus Christ can help us through anything, and allow us to triumph over our self-destructive tendencies.
My Mom says I was born with the need to be "perfect" too. My oldest son is the same way, so I do my best to drill into him that it's okay to make mistakes-and it's part of learning and growing into the man he will be. I try so hard to not let him beat himself up. He is an amazing and mature kid. Takes great care of his little sisters!
I still struggle, when I get too tired, and feel like a failure in every area, esp. those of homemaker and mother (my husband tells me I'm a great wife).
But, I'm moving forward. Life looks bright.
How it must make our Father in Heaven sad to see his daughters struggle with understanding their worth. I hope things continue to look up for you!
I love the honesty and maturity of this post. I can relate on many levels. I'm also sorry that you've had to struggle, but that's what makes us better, right?
ReplyDeleteI find myself wanting to say and do the right thing, always putting my best foot forward - whether or not they are my true feelings. I look forward to fully overcoming the need to feel accepted, respected, loved or merely liked by others. I hope to one day be strictly motivated to do good because that is what the Savior taught and I have become like him.